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"Loneliness"
is usually a symptom of some deep down discontent/dissatisfaction/
disappointment/anger/dread/ fear/doubt/despair. It may actually involve
all of these. If you once had someone who helped you make tough decisions
and that person is gone, and current decisions to be made are besetting
you, you will be likely to think you NEED someone again to fulfill
that role.
IF
If
you once had a friend who you could call at any time and who could deal
straightaway, without preliminaries, with whatever was troubling you, and
now that friend (or spouse) is inaccessible (has moved, married, died, or
just "deserted" you for someone else), you are going to ache for
that person and think that you NEED another one to take the place
of what you had. Unsupported, you feel like you are walking an emotional
tight wire without a net.
If
you are under a great deal of stress from caring for a sick
parent/child/spouse, or from facing financial problems, or from stressful
situations at work, you will find yourself wondering why those who are
supposed to be supportive, aren't coming across. The lack of concern from
people you thought cared, seems like abandonment. You can't believe they
are so insensitive.
If
you have to sit in a pew at church and peer past couples who are leaning
on each other; or with arms around each other; or children sleeping on
their mom's lap, you may find yourself distracted from the service, enough
to ask God why you "alone" have to sit by yourself week after
week.
These
are just examples of situations which provide incentive to question your
lot. Can you come up with any of your own? I'm going to guess that at
least one of the above is familiar. Am I right?
If
you appreciated doing this self analysis, I can tell you from personal
experience that you are approaching this problem the wrong way.
Comparing your situation to anyone else’s is going to foster all
manner of dissatisfactions: envy, pride, longings, aching, resentment,
fear, blame, bitterness…You may object by saying that you aren’t
comparing your circumstances to those of others, but aren’t you
comparing your past to your present? Isn’t that making an idol of what
you had and do not have now? Do you understand what an idol is? It is
anything that we look to instead of God to meet our needs. Consider this
list of some of the ways the world attempts to cope with this problem:
addictions to (TV, drugs, games, sports, support groups, particular
people, food, sex…almost anything). Addictions are the usual way that
people try to fill their own needs. Obviously, addiction is not God's way
to counter feelings of aloneness. We can agree on this. Yet, there are
plenty of Christians addicted to one or more of the above. Then, there are
self-help type activities: aroma therapy, yoga, massage, behavior
modification, psychotherapy, help-lines, crisis intervention...There are
so many ways to try to self-treat our problems.
THE
NEED
What
we really NEED is to realize that God's way does not have "self"
as the primary focus. EVER. God's way is not to build our self-esteem, but
rather our esteem for Him. God does not teach us in His Word to be indepen-
dent, self-confident, or
self-sufficient. The most important lessons He teaches us, and they are
ongoing (we never fully master these,) are to utterly rely on Him; to
depend on Him for everything; to trust Him; to live in, from, and unto
Christ.
Although
you may not see the connection clearly as yet, the underlying issue we
need to address right here is unbelief. God
is good. If He is our Father; He is with us and in us and He is/has been
telling us not to fear. To trust Him. To believe He is in this with you.
Whatever is making a Christian afraid and anxious, no matter what it looks
like, is not too big or difficult for God in you to deal with. He is the
same God who raised Jesus from the dead. His grace is sufficient for any
weakness we have. It has to be or He wouldn’t be God.
So,
did anyone in the Bible have to deal with similar feelings, thoughts, or
temptations to self pity?
BIBLE
EXAMPLES
Let's
see: Here's a list of a few of the people who had major problems with
relationships, or lack thereof: Moses, Miriam, Samson, Esther, David,
Elijah, Jonah, Naomi, Jeremiah, Michal, Hosea, Hannah, Sarai, Job...
Does
anyone in the Bible show that they defeated this? Hebrews 11 gives a list
of those who God cites for their faith. He isn't listing them because they
lived exemplary lives. In fact, the list is very interesting if you look
at it closely. Each person is commended for their faith in the midst of
inexplicable difficulties. They aren’t pointed out because they
exemplified faith every day of their lives, but they made the list due to
their responses evidencing their dependence on God.
How
familiar are you with those mentioned in Hebrews 11? In order to be
MINDFUL of Christ (to have His Mind on matters), it is essential to search
His Word for principles, guidelines, examples, exhortations, and
revelation of His Attributes. The more one contemplates, studies, ponders,
and consults His Word, the more clearly one sees situations from His
perspective.
The
following are some situations where people in the Bible struggled with
problems they were having with people. Looking at any of these in context
would be worthwhile, but I'm going to just quote a little to give glimpses
of their perspective.
MOSES
Moses
perceptual problem: he thought God was not being reasonable, not helping
him, not taking his weaknesses into account. In fact, he felt God was
treating him cruelly. This was Moses, the most respected of all Hebrew
heroes.
Numbers
11:11 So Moses said to the LORD, "Why have you afflicted your
servant? And why have I not found favor in Your sight, that You have laid
the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did
I beget them, that you should say to me, 'Carry them in your bosom, as a
guardian carries a nursing child,' to the land which you swore to their
fathers? Where am I to go get meat to give all these people? For they weep
all over me, saying, "Give us meat, that we may eat." I am not
able to bear all these people alone, because the burden is too heavy for
me. If You treat me like this, please kill me here and now - if I have
found favor in Your sight - and do not let me see my wretchedness."
Think
about what Moses was saying to God. He was telling Him that God didn't
appreciate the difficulty of the job He'd given him. That God was
overloading him. That he would just as soon die if God wasn't going to do
something about his situation. His appeal is pitiful. This was the man
whom God had spoken to from the burning bush; the man through whom God had
wowed Pharaoh into submission; the man who had held up his staff and
watched God part the Red Sea; the man who God had spoken to on Mt. Sinai;
the man God had entrusted with the 10 Commandments twice...Moses knew God
intimately, but he was still not dependent upon Him to the degree he
needed to be to prevent self-pity. But, DO note how Moses handled his
misery. He didn't call a meeting and chew out the people for making his
job so tough, or throw down his staff and say, I quit. He didn't come up
with a cumulative list of grievances and demand they make apologies to
him. He didn't sulk in his tent and refuse to face anyone. He didn't slink
off in the dead of night and leave them to fend for themselves. He didn't
commit suicide. He didn't go to his wife and pace up and down venting his
frustration. Which one of these might we have done?
It
says that Moses was the meekest man alive. That is not saying he was the
weakest man alive. It is saying that he did not think highly of himself.
He was humble in his self perception. When he protested to the LORD it was
over what he considered to be his inadequacies. He did this at the burning
bush. He did this in the quote above. How did God deal with him? At the
burning bush God reminded Moses that He had made him the way he was and
that he would be equipped for whatever task God assigned him. But, when
Moses still asked for help, God told him to take Aaron along. Aaron ended
up being more moral support than anything. It was Moses who actually dealt
with Pharaoh. And in the incident above, God told Moses that He would give
the People the meat they were demanding. And He told Moses to gather 70 of
the elders together at the tent of meeting and He would spread His Spirit
upon them and they would help shoulder the load Moses was carrying.
Instead of simply telling Moses, I'll take care of it, don't worry, He
showed him what He was going to do. So Moses was able to go on. This was
not done only for Moses sake, but it was partly for his sake. That
is God's way; He takes care of His servant in His service even as the
servant is taking care of His people. Being in the supply line means you
are supplied. God taught Moses, and through Moses He shows us that our
focus should be on HIS Ability, not upon our own inadequacy.
MIRIAM
Next,
consider Miriam, Moses sister. Her problem was definitely NOT meekness.
Quite the opposite. Miriam was Moses’ older sister. She had helped
rescue him when he was a baby. She had been part of the worship team when
they crossed the Red Sea. Her song indicates her ability to express
herself. Yet, in the passage below, her attitude was one of ENVY. This is
actually one of the most common causes for loneliness. Miriam wanted the
attention, the position of authority, the recognition that Moses had. She
felt unappreciated for her gifts and contributions.
Numbers
12:1-2 Then Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because of the Ethiopian
woman whom he had married. So they said, "Has the LORD indeed spoken
only through Moses? Has He not spoken through us also?"
Do
you remember what happened to Miriam? God struck her with leprosy. Even
Moses thought that was pretty harsh. He asked God to heal her when she
showed remorse for trying to usurp his authority, but God made of her an
object lesson to the people. And that was the end of her standing in the
community.
Her
death is barely mentioned later. Envy is a very serious sin. It is
extremely self-destructive. People with this sin suffer severely. It is
more painful to the person who is envious; it rarely touches the person
who is being envied. It disables the envious one from service. It must be
"put aside" if we are to be made whole.
MICHAL
Another
example of this is Michal (Saul's daughter who was given to David as a
wife when he killed the Philistines).
2
Sam 6:20-23 Then David returned to bless his household. And Michal the
daughter of Saul (David's wife) came out to meet David, and said,
"How glorious was the king of Israel today, uncovering himself in the
eyes of the maids of his servants, as one of the base fellows shamelessly
uncovers himself? So David said to Michal, "It was before the LORD,
who chose me instead of your father and all of his house, to appoint me
ruler over the people of the LORD, over Israel. Therefore I will play
music before the LORD. And I will be even more vile than this, and will be
humble in my own sight. But, as for the maidservants of whom you have
spoken, by them I will be held in honor. Therefore Michal the daughter of
Saul had no children to the day of her death.
Her
reason for nagging was wanting her husband to be one that others would
look up to. She was vain and she wanted to be the envy of other women.
Instead, by questioning her husband's behavior, she forfeited her role as
his wife. David was an exceedingly expressive person; if he had agreed to
curtail his zeal, we would not have many of the psalms. As is often the
case, a wife competing for her husband's attention, ends up without it
entirely.
SAMSON
Then,
loneliness can drive people to try to please others at any cost. People
will do anything for the approval of others. Remember Samson? What he
yearned for was sexual favors.
Judges
16:15 Then she (Delilah) said to him (Samson), How can you say, "I
love you, "when your heart is not with me?
You have mocked me these three times, and have not told me where
your great strength lies." And it came to pass, when she pestered him
daily with her words and pressed him, so that his soul was vexed to death,
that he told her all his heart.
There
are two things to note in Samson's tragic story. One, he bought into
Delilah's definition of love (which was pagan - eros, what we call "sick
love"). Two, he was so miserable without her physical
affection that he was willing to throw away his dignity and his strength
to keep her. This is similar to Adam's sin that took the whole human race
down with him. In giving in to such loneliness, by coming across with
"sick love" (which is usually coerced), one is choosing to turn
one's back on God's perfect provisions.
NAOMI
Loneliness
can cause people to feel useless.
Ruth
1:20 (Naomi) But she said to them, "Do not call me Naomi; call me
Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full,
and the LORD has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi,
since the LORD has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted
me?"
Like
Moses, Naomi knew that God had put her in the set of circumstances she was
in. She failed to see that He had done it for her good. Until much later.
Right there by her side was God's supply in Ruth. But, Naomi was so sure
that what she needed was a husband, she totally missed what she had in
Ruth. God didn't zap Naomi for being such a poor witness. He brought her
along slowly until later she was able to see rightly what He had done. By
then, she was able to enthusiastically attest to His Goodness. But, there
were many months in between her negative confession and her changed
attitude.
HANNAH
Longing
is often expressed by women who are childless. One good example is Hannah.
1
Samuel 1:7-8 So it was, year by year, when she (Hannah) went up to the
house of the LORD, that she (Peninnah, Elkanah's other wife) provoked her
(Hannah); therefore she wept and did not eat. Then Elkanah her husband
said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? And why is
your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons?"
There
was Hannah, being given the choicest food; being shown kindness and
affection by her husband, lamenting because she could not have children.
She wasn't able to appreciate what she did have. God did hear her in her
yearning, and when He gave her a child, she gave the child back to Him,
for His service. There is an
important principle in her story. Every good thing is from God and we are
to praise Him for His provisions and devote to Him the best of what He
supplies for His service. Hannah did not handle her loneliness too badly.
She did earnestly pray. Her fervent prayer surprised the priest. She did
honor her husband. She did bring her first-born child, Samuel, back to
serve the LORD when he was weaned. God led Samuel to completely rekindle
the flame of real worship in Israel.
DAVID
What
of David? In his life there are many examples of his longings for closer
fellowship with others. But, one that stands out for the impact that it
had on the whole nation (aside from the adultery with Bathsheba) was his
out-of-proportionate grief for Absalom.
2
Sam 19:5-6 Then Joab came into the house to the king and said, "Today
you have disgraced all your servants who today have saved your life, the
lives of your sons and daughters, the lives of your wives and the lives of
your concubines, in that you love your enemies and hate your friends. For
you have declared today that you regard neither princes nor servants; for
today I perceive that if Absalom had lived and all of us had died today,
then it would have pleased you as well. Now therefore, arise, go out and
speak comfort to your servants. For I swear by the LORD, if you do not go
out, none will stay with you this night. And it will be worse for you than
all the evil that has befallen you from your youth until now. Then the
king arose and sat in the gate. And they told all the people saying,
"There is the king sitting in the gate." So all the people came
before the king. For everyone of Israel had fled to his tent. David, in
the midst of all those men, refused to think of anyone except his son who
was dead. There are other similar examples in the Bible: Jacob mourning
Joseph and neglecting his other sons.
ELIJAH
Remember
Elijah? This is the man who had stood up alone against a whole crowd of
prophets of Baal. He had called down drought; he had called down fire from
heaven. He had personally slain the priests of Baal with his own sword.
Yet, he is the same man who ran away from the queen when she threatened
him.
1
Kings 19:4 But he himself went a day's journey into the wilderness, and
came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and
said, "It is enough! Now, LORD, take my life for I am no better than
my fathers!"...
19:1-10
the word of the LORD came to him, and He said to him, "What are you
doing here, Elijah?" SO he said, I have been very zealous for the
LORD God of hosts; for the children of Israel have forsaken Your covenant,
torn down Your altars, and killed Your prophets with the sword, I alone am
left; and they seek to take my life."
What
was at the source of Elijah's loneliness? Exhaustion. Fear. A sense of not
being appreciated. How did God deal with Elijah? He saw to it that he had
food, rest, and assured him that he was not alone. Later he provided him
with Elisha, an apprentice. God didn't lecture Elijah about his cowardice;
rather, He showed Himself to Elijah as the Almighty, the One willing to
prove Himself faithful even when Elijah was not in the right state of
mind.
URIAH
Do
we see positive examples of how to deal with loneliness? Consider the
husband of Bathsheba, Uriah.
Uriah
was one of David's mighty men. He lived in the house right next to David
(pretty choice real estate). His wife was apparently gorgeous. He had been
out on the battlefield, with a bunch of men for some time. When David had
Uriah brought in from the fighting so he would sleep with Bathsheba and
thereby cover up the pregnancy resulting from David's adultery, Uriah
failed to go home and sleep with his wife; instead he slept at the door of
David's house with the other servants.
2
Sam 11:10-11 So when they told David, saying, "Uriah did not go down
to his house, " David said to Uriah, "Did you not come from a
journey? Why did you not go down to your house?" And Uriah said to
David, "The Ark and Israel and Judah are dwelling in tents, and my
lord Joab and the servants of my lord are encamped in the open fields.
Shall I then go to my house to eat and drink, and to lie with my wife? As
you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do this thing."
Think
about that. Uriah was one of David's best warriors. Uriah was David's
neighbor. But, instead of going home and taking R and R as David planned,
Uriah slept with the rest of the retinue on David's doorstep (while
Bathsheba was right next door). Uriah
put his service to the King and his role as a soldier
before his own physical desire. He put the interest of others before his
own. Ever
wonder what that did to David to ratchet up his guilt?
JOSEPH
Joseph
is another excellent example. He was rejected by his brothers; falsely
accused by Potiphar's wife, disbelieved by Potiphar, forgotten in prison
by the men he helped get released... Yet, he knew (and it was the sort of knowing that comes with staying in step with the LORD
through all trials and tribulations) that he was NOT EVER alone.
Joseph did suffer greatly from the neglect and mistreatment of others, but
he did not let it discourage him. He did not let it interfere in his
service to others. He accomplished
God’s purposes within the boundaries imposed on him.
PAUL
Then,
there is Paul. Paul tells us that he LEARNED to be content in all
circumstances. That kind of learning is what we're talking about. We
must look at all trials and hardships as opportunities to e
God's faithfulness; His ability; His Presence; His Sovereignty to us, and
through us.
JESUS
Finally,
and most significantly, there is Jesus. He was single. He did not sin.
Therefore, He did not give way to the flesh. His followers misunderstood
Him. They deserted Him. They denied Him. They betrayed Him. But, did their
disloyalty, their criticism, their accusations, their jealousy, discourage
Him? Did their failure as followers and friends incapacitate Him for
service? How did He handle it in the Garden of Gethsemane when they did
not stay awake and pray as He asked? He
went back to speaking with His Father who was as immediately present to
Him as those sleeping disciples were. And He (by His Spirit) is that
immediately, constantly, unfailingly, Present to us as He was to Jesus. We
are NEVER ALONE. Feeling lonely is allowing our flesh to obscure reality.
We are NEVER, EVER, ALONE.
WHAT
DO WE DO?
What
we are to do when we are tempted to feel sorry for ourselves, is to speak
to HIM. To be honest with Him. To appeal to Him. To let Him prove His
Presence to us in comprehensible ways. That is the response He wants from
us. That is pleasing to Him: that we should know Him as Our Father, Our
Elder Brother, Our Friend; Our LORD; that we should draw close to Him.
He is not going to punish us for our weakness. Did He punish Moses for
crying out to Him in his weariness? Did Jesus punish Peter for denying
Him? Did God spurn Elijah, or Job or Jonah? Simply letting them come to
their senses, whether it was in a cave or the belly of a fish, was not
punishing them. It was allowing them to sin enough to come back to Him and
look to Him for help. God wants us to be as dependent on Him as small
children: constantly staying near Him. The people in the stories above
which end tragically: Michal, Samson and Miriam, did not turn to God in
their hour of need. Samson did finally come around in the end.
IDENTITY
CRISIS
Loneliness
can be caused by an identity crisis. If we think that we are not
worthwhile enough to interest others, we can pout to God about how poorly
He designed us. We assess
ourselves as worthless. That
is not reality. God
alone, knows who we are to be in Christ; and it is when we are alone with
Him, focusing on Him, that we begin to get glimmers of what He has in mind
for us to be, because we are to be Christ-like.
BE
THE SUPPLY NOT THE NEED
How
are you actively clinging to Him? Look into His Word. Pick any of the
passages I've mentioned and study what God did for particular persons
despite their weakness. God is
greater than any man; He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows
what you really need. You don't. You must ask Him for "daily
bread" and look to Him to supply it. You must thank Him for His
smallest provisions and rejoice in the evidences of His mercy and love to
you. Set your mind on the things that God says are important, not what the
world says matters. For the things of this world will pass away.
All
that we do should be done in light of His Presence. All that we do should
be done from His empowering. We are to dispense His goodness, grace,
mercy, kindness, patience, gentleness, faithfulness, joy, peace and love
to others. When we are doing so, we are not lonely. We are part of the
supply to them. We are filled to overflowing with His unspeakable love as
we conduct it to them. We are to draw life from Him. Not death from the
flesh. It is our soulish nature that craves what is not best for it. God
provides what we need. Abundantly. We are never neglected. We are never
deprived. We are never without what we NEED. We may want something we
don't have, but whatever it is, if we ask Him for it and He does not give
it, it is not good for us.
CONCLUSION
Now,
having said this several ways, let me state succinctly what the
answer to loneliness is:
Go
to God your Father and pour out your heart to Him. Tell Him of your
heartache. Tell Him how you know He is supplying your needs. Submit your
will to His. Ask Him to show you what to do about your loneliness, because
it exists to be used by Him to accomplish His purposes in you and through
you. Trust Him to take care of you and focus intently on His sufficiency
rather than your own insufficiency. God does not tell us we are not to
grieve; He tells us that we grieve as those who hope in Him. God does not
tell us that we will not suffer; He tells us that we are to comfort others
with the comfort we have received. God does not tell us that happiness is
our right, but, He does tell us that we can go through whatever comes our
way in Him, rejoicing. So go forth in His strength and might and power in
your lonely hour; for you are NOT ALONE. Make the most of your fellowship
with Him. God wants you to
prefer and enjoy His Presence more than that of any created being; He will
give you ample spaces to explore with Him.
Rejoice in these times; don’t look for someone else to be with.
Draw close to Him and He will draw close to you. The relationship you have
with Him is eternal; all other relationships are temporal.
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