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It was 1977, the year Elvis died.
It was a good time. It was an evil time. My intention was obvious with the
barrel of a high-powered handgun sticking into my mouth as I muttered
something like "I don’t deserve to live."
It seemed the Lord's response was
"So?"
I laid the gun aside and began to
reason that my saying I don’t deserve to live suggested there had been a
time I did deserve to live.
Suddenly I had a revelation of
myself. I was a Pharisee and I hadn't even seen it. Since then I have
discovered a modern Pharisee doesn't know he is a
Pharisee.
I had come to this crisis in my life
after spending the previous 20 years trying to become a wonderful Christian
(witnessing, praying, studying the Bible, memorizing, pastoring churches,
teaching in a Bible college, discarding everything I could imagine was
worldly, discontinuing questionable practices, not going to certain places,
avoiding anything that would suggest the wrong image) and I blew it. I had
made a devastating choice that hurt many people and shamed my Christian
reputation. I had dishonored my Lord. It was the worse thing I had ever
done. I felt horrible. I couldn’t stand myself. With one terrible
decision I had thrown away all I had built up. It was over.
During all those years I had had the
mistaken idea that a Christian could get better and better and eventually
attain to a level of Christian proficiency that he could rely on in any
situation. Failing many times, I would confess, do things that would show
my “sincerity” to God, get all the more dedicated and committed to Christ,
only to fail again and again. I studied the Puritans and all the
recommended current Christian reading. I worked harder doing Christian
duties more than anyone I knew. Although it was a roller coaster
experience, I expected to get better, to improve. After all, that is what I
had been taught in church.
The “higher” level of Christian I
became in my mind, the farther I would “fall” and the more painful it would
be. I didn’t know God was about to show me something that would not only
change my life for the better, but the lives of hundreds and hundreds of
Christians over the next 25 years. At that moment, though, it was the worst
time.
After that “end-it-all” plan was not
carried out, many times I would be going through the consequences of my
terrible decision in my mind while driving my car and I would have to pull
the car over to the side of the road because of the blinding tears that
streamed from my pain.
In those emotional breakdowns,
Father showed me that He is love, not that He has love, but “GOD
IS LOVE”. Those He loves, He disciplines or disciples.
He brought to me the understanding of how to live the Christian life as an
inner reality instead of an outer theory or philosophy.
In times past, I had attempted to
live by all these rules and laws that no one could fault, but they were
external. Now I was learning the truth of Christ in me, the Hope of glory.
I was discovering that “I am crucified with
Christ, never the less I live. Yet, not I, but Christ lives in me and the
life I now live, I live by the faith of the Son of God, Who loved and gave
Himself for me.”
I discovered the problem. In the
past I always thought it was up to me to improve, not knowing that Christ in
me was the answer to any situation. It was when I realized I must learn to
rely on Him and not myself that I was able to succeed. Despite normal human
experiences provoking normal human reactions, which were not yet sin, I
found that if I reacted without turning to Him Who is my life, I would
inevitably sin because my behavior would be the product of my own
independent self and not my reliance on Him. “Lead
us not into temptation” is a confession we can’t handle it
ourselves. I must rely on “Christ in me”
and “be strong in the Lord and the power of
His might.” I began to learn that “I
can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me” and that in
Him “I am more than a conqueror.”
Living the Christian life has become
much simpler. His “yoke is easy”
and His “burden is light” just as
He said. This life is an adventure with Him. Christ does not become me and
I do not become Christ, but Christ-in-me is my true life. To walk in His
Spirit within me is the only thing I have to do as a Christian. My life is
to be His expression of Himself in me, as me, but never becoming me.
He will never lead me to do anything
that is not in complete compliance with the Word of God. He said, “I
will put my laws in their minds and write them on their hearts. I will be
their God, and they will be my people.”
He will lead me by His Spirit within me and I will know when I am going away
from His leading by the disturbance of the peace in my heart. “Let
the peace of Christ rule (umpire)
in your hearts.” “And
the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts
and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Since “my fall” I have learned I was
too strong (in myself, apart from Him). I have learned to “grow
in grace” not in self-righteousness and to grow in “the
knowledge” (experientially) of Him. Now I will “magnify
my weakness” because “He
said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in
weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ's power may rest on me.”
I have not made myself “better”, but
I am better at turning to Him sooner and more completely than ever in my
Christian life. Now these are always the best of times as I walk in the
Spirit even when “bad” things happen. We call it
SingleVISION.
For years we have seen people
delivered from the ups and downs of a life of failure and depression.
Families have been restored: wives beginning to respect their husbands;
husbands now loving their wives; teens ceasing their rebellion. We have
seen many who had been chained to addictive behavior for years quickly
delivered through the truth of living from the Christ within them. We
regularly see Christians moving into the spontaneous life of victory in
Christ and when they do sin, they quickly confess and move on (1John 1:9).
In this “quick in, quick out” experience with sin, they continue to
experience an intimate relationship with the Christ Who lives in them. I
have seen many leave their life of mediocre Christianity to become spiritual
leaders in their churches. Praise the Lord!
To walk in the Spirit
manifesting “love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” is
my only concern. “To live is Christ.”
This is truly a wonderful life. I am so thankful to God that He has worked
this truth into the lives of many since my “fall” in 1977.
ABIDING REST
''Let us,
therefore make every effort to enter that rest'' -- Hebrews 4:11
Faith is not looking for a future revelation; it is realizing a present
fact. Faith slips from its moorings when it listens to another's experiences
and then says to itself: ''I suppose God must come to me like that.''
Usually God comes in the way and at the time that we least expect, so that
we know that it is God and not something worked up by our own efforts or
imagination. To some, it may be just a gradual settling realization that
these things are so; to another, a great and sudden inward assurance; to yet
another there may be the accompaniment of an outward manifestation by dream,
by vision, by some sign of the Spirit, as in Bible days.
So, in the spiritual fight of faith, the moment or period comes when we
know. Every vestige of strain and labor has gone. Indeed, faith, as such, is
not felt or recognized any more. The channel is lost sight of in the
abundance of the supply. As we came to know that we were children of God by
an inner certainty, a witness of the Spirit in our spirits, so now we come
to know that the old ''I'' is crucified
with Christ, the new ''I'' has Christ as
its permanent life; spirit with Spirit have been fused into one, the branch
grafted into the vine, the member joined to the body -- and the problem of
abiding becomes as natural as breathing.
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